What the Heart Wants
by harunari
Summary: Eren x Levi. Eren likes Levi, but is sure his feelings aren't reciprocated and is determined to keep them hidden. Meanwhile, Levi has loved Eren for a while, but isn't sure how to express himself. But they both know their love was never meant to be.
1. Chapter 1

Eren

The dull thump of horses' hooves against the hard ground, the forest green of capes flashing before my eyes as they whip around in the fierce wind, and the fierce determination I can see in Levi's eyes as they meet mine for a split second, enough to leave my heart thundering. These are the only things I can focus on as we push our horses forward, on a mission to capture a titan, one of the first that will be studied by Hanji. Why do I keep thinking about Levi? And why does my heartbeat accelerate when he so much as glances at me? I'm pretty dense about feelings, even my own, but some profound part of me knows that what I feel about Levi is more than a friendly attraction. Something like a puppy crush? Ah, why do I even bother? It's not like it even matters.

Interrupting my thoughts is the loud sound of gunshots indicating the appearance of a titan, and the somewhat excited yells as we all whip our horses around. Even so, the smell of fear is nearly tangible.

The titan is relatively small for one of its species, with grotesque features that contort in obvious effort as it clumsily plunders towards us. Following the correct formation, some of our group launches into the air. The display of the 3D maneuvering gears is still breathtaking, even though I have seen it plenty of times, and done it myself as well. My eyes can't help but stray towards Levi, seemingly perfectly in control of the situation, every movement and gesture of his radiating power. Gah! I nearly slap myself. I need to stop looking after Corporal Levi with flirty cow eyes. It's pretty unreasonable. Levi would never see me as anything more than an annoying recruit.

The nets nearly cover the titan, and the sense of impending victory is strong, when with a sudden angry, jerking movement, the titan whips the nets off of him and lunges for the nearest human in sight, who just so happens to be Petra. Rage is the only clear thing in those eyes that are so much like black holes. I see Levi's eyes open wide, with an all-consuming rage of his own. Not thinking twice, he lunges at the creature, cutting its hand clean off in a frenzy of movements.

My eyes register every detail, careful and calculating. The deployed string of the 3D maneuvering gear, slow motion before my eyes. The jamming and entanglement, the confusion flashing in Levi's eyes, then fear, all in the span of a few seconds as he comes crashing towards the ground, his now useless maneuvering gear with the tangled string falling with him.

My body acts on its own, and wild with panic, I rush forward without thinking. My maneuvering gear is ready to deploy me…

A hand claps on my shoulder, firm and restraining. "What do you think you're doing?! You're only a trainee!" Erwin's gruff voice booms into my ear.

But I really don't care. I look up and see Levi is mostly fine, his pride hurt more than anything after having his 3D maneuvering gear fail and him having to be helped up.

In the moments afterwards, a series of feelings flash through my mind. But above them all, the realization that I would do anything for Levi. This is more than just a crush. And the part that hurts the most is that I know Levi will never feel the same for me. The only thing I can do is love from the shadows; if anyone found out I was gay, they would feel disdain for me. Worse, if Levi knew, he would never accept me, not even as a friend.


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up in an unfamiliar place, the clean whitewashed walls surrounding me like a cage. "Where am I?" I mutter, irritated. Sitting up, I see Petra and Erwin sitting in chairs surrounding the bed. "Oh, he's awake!" Petra says, hearing me. "You're in the infirmary," she explains, sounding unreasonably happy. "Yeah, just in case. You know, after that little accident you had yesterday," cuts in Erwin, before Petra can say anything else. Upon closer observation of Petra's features, I realize that she's not actually happy; her brows knit together in an effort to maintain a superficial smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Behind her mask there lie very different emotions: worry? Concern? Something else I can't identify. Suddenly she looks like she's about to cry. "I'm sorry!" She blurts out, rushing out of the room.

"She thinks it's her fault," explains Erwin, following after a second's pause. I sigh. What a bother. I'm pretty sure this is not necessary; I feel perfectly fine and besides, there are plenty of things I have to do. I'm sure my room is a mess by now.

As I lie drowsing in the infirmary bed, my thoughts drift to Eren. That annoying recruit who thinks he can kill all the titans, the one I'm somehow madly in love with. However, he's too stupid to realize it, way too stupid to notice me checking out his ass, and staring after him during training…

Ah, whatever. It's unrequited love; I can deal with that. Love is stupid too.

Despite, this I can't help feeling disappointed when Eren doesn't come and visit me, but I quickly chastise myself and tell myself it's to be expected.

I start in surprise, snapping awake when suddenly, as if reading my thoughts, Eren bursts into the room. He manages to stumble in his way in and knocks over the chairs. I feel the heat rising up in my cheeks; I know my face is starting to blush. I quickly scream, "You incompetent idiot!" Eren rushes to pick up the chairs and arranges them neatly. "I-I'm sorry heichou! I just came to see if you were fine," He stammers. Then, under his breath, as if he were talking to himself, "Maybe it was a bad idea, you know, I thought heichou would be asleep so I could watch him—" He quickly catches himself and embarrassed, rushes out, much like Petra did.

I immediately regret everything I just said. I didn't mean to make him rush out. Torn between thinking of him as a useless idiot and wanting him to run back and start making out with me, I stumble out of bed and out of the infirmary, seeking some fresh air.

The sun shines brightly, and I am disgusted with it, my eyebrows creasing in disdain. I don't like not being in control of this situation; I want to express my feelings to Eren but I can't, and at the same time I know he doesn't feel the same about me.

A sudden spark of inspiration comes to me. It's not the wisest decision ever, but I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I rush towards the dormitories where the recruits sleep, and lying in a pile just outside are the freshly laundered uniforms.

I rifle through them and find Eren's. Pulling out a piece of paper and a pen from my jacket pocket, I scribble a note, fold it into four, and carefully tuck it into the inside pocket of his jacket, where he might or might not find it.

Walking away, I bitterly smile to myself, in a way preparing for a love that will never happen. I lean back and remember the day I fell in love with Eren.


	3. Chapter 3

A loud yell wakes me from my light slumber, interrupting my usual nightmares. "Wake up, everyone!" My eyes are bleary with sleep, but I can make out the figure of Erwin standing in our doorway. Sitting up, I realize that it's not even dawn yet. "What's going on?" Says someone close to me, sounding irritated. "We need to set out early if we're going to get near the forest before noon," Erwin explains. "Gather in the courtyard in 30 minutes; I will explain our mission then." Saying this, he walks out and slams the door shut rather heavily.

Excitement bubbles through me. A surprise mission outside the walls? This is great. Maybe I'll even kill a titan. Well, probably not, but I can dream.

Adrenaline already coursing through my body, I rush into my uniform and into the courtyard, where I join Mikasa and Armin, who are already there waiting for me.

Mikasa is quiet as ever, and I give up in trying to engage in a decent conversation with her. Instead, I turn to Armin and we share our excitement.

I'm not really concentrating, because while Armin blabbers on about some new scheme he thought up, I look around the quickly filling courtyard. Looking for Levi. Finally, my eyes find his stocky body with the perfect muscular physique. I quickly realize that I'm staring at him for longer than is socially acceptable, and look away, but not before his eyes meet mine for a second. That slight interaction brings with it the embarrassing memories of the other day when I went to visit him in the infirmary and made a fool of myself. I suddenly feel myself blushing slightly.

Luckily, Erwin's booming voice cuts off my thoughts, as he begins to explain the mission. Apparently, humankind is taking a risk by starting a colony just outside the walls, in a secluded space where we will have access to the titans. And our job is to arrive and make sure the area is safe.

The "colony" consists of several crudely built huts in a secluded place near the forest. ("This is just temporary," Hanji explains sheepishly.) Nonetheless, there are no titans to be seen in the area; it seems safe enough. So our squadron is left with nothing to do for the moment.

For the first time in a while, I notice the beautiful sky, clear blue with not a cloud in sight. A cool breeze ruffles my hair. I decide to take a walk around the area, seeing as I have nothing to do.

About five minutes into the walk, I sit down on the grass to enjoy a brief fleeting moment of nature before the reality of humankind's situation comes crashing down upon my dreams. I put my hands in my pockets and sigh. Suddenly, though, I feel something crinkly. Paper? Weird. I never put anything in there. I reach in and fish it out, opening it carefully and reading it.

My heart starts thudding immediately; I can hear it, quick and steady. A flash of elation bubbles through me as I read and reread the note that Heichou wrote over and over again.

Is this possible? Am I dreaming? He actually loved me all this time; my feelings were reciprocated. I get the sudden urge to run towards Levi and fling myself into his arms, to express to him just how much I love him.

My heart beats so loudly I don't hear the other thudding noise until it's too late: footsteps loud enough to heard half a mile away. The titan approaches me quickly, limps swinging in its haste. I stay rooted to the spot, frozen in fear. Then I hear a heart-wrenching yell.

"Move, you idiot! Can't you see he's coming for you?! He's about to eat you!" It's Levi, running towards me, his features contorted in pure, raw fear. But not for himself; for me.

It's kind of sad, really, that the time after I get to see Levi after his 'confession' is right before we both get killed. I get up and run my mind too blank to think. I think we both know it's futile.

As the titan nears me and reaches out an arm, Levi lunges in front and it grabs him instead. Pulling him towards his mouth instead.

I stare horrified, the seconds stretching out painfully. Despite being held tightly in the titan's fist, he managed to choke out, "Turn...into a titan." As he is thrown into its mouth, he casts me a loving glance and a weak smile, and there in his eyes, I see reflected a love that could never have happened.

Tears streaming down my face, I turn into a titan and batter it with all my hate.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been four years since the day of Levi's death and not a day has passed without me thinking of what could have been. I blame only myself.

The war against the titans is advancing rapidly; victory looks in sight. I only wish he were here to see this. I walk towards the small gravestone bearing his name and place a handful of freshly picked purple flowers and lay them on top. Tears streaming down my face, I pull a worn piece of paper out of my pocket. The note he wrote years ago, the one that almost brought us together.

_Eren, _

_You're so stupid because you can't tell but I love you so much. Sincerely,_

_Heichou (It's adorable when you call me that)_

I look up and see Mikasa waving in the distance. With a last glance, I turn around and head back.


End file.
